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August 8, 2008 / davebirss

Am I making the right decision?

While I was standing in a queue at a coffee shop at lunchtime, I notice the Sun’s horoscopes for today. And it was pretty favourable. So I thought I would rate the horoscopes of today’ papers to see what the stars had to say about this important day.

We’ll start with The Sun:

Dreams-come-true planet Neptune is in place to activate the plans that mean the most to the whole family. When it comes to your love life, just enjoying the moment works much better than wondering where a relationship is going. Luck links you to a quiet friend who has brilliant ideas.

So. it looks pretty favourable then. It spotted that I’m making big plans and it mentioned a quiet person with brilliant ideas. Hmmm. I’ll keep my eyes peeled. Now it’s on to the horoscope of my favoured read – The Guardian:

Put yourself in the place of your employer, and figure out what they might expect from you. Since your strengths and weaknesses both look on unusually public display, it’s time to deliver like a true professional. … Lunar power enhances Friday and Saturday – trust your hunches.

Well, they know that there’s something work related happening. And it pinpoints today and tomorrow as being good for me. And I’ve already trusted my hunches. That’s what led to my decision. Not bad. Let’s move on to the other end of the journalistic spectrum – The Star:

You need to make your feelings or intentions known and preferably before the weekend. … The only hitch – you don’t have nearly as much money. Just bags of charm.

So there we go – everyone now knows my intentions before the weekend. And I’m pretty strapped for cash just now. Wow. These are really doing pretty well. Let’s end with today’s horoscope from the man himself – Russell Grant – at MSN:

Loyalty towards a friend makes your relationship even stronger. You won’t abandon a loved one just because it’s convenient to do so. Never fear; you’ll soon be repaid for your kindness. Fortunately, such generosity comes naturally, so it doesn’t even seem like a sacrifice. Praise and encouragement could come from a surprising source. Don’t brush off compliments. It’s an insult to the people who give them. Drink in these admiring words as you would a fine bottle of wine.

Complete bollocks! So there you go. You just can’t trust this mumbo-jumbo. Case closed.


Leave a Comment
  1. Rachel / Aug 8 2008 3:48 pm

    Ha, a fellow scorpion agrees, can all those fit your lifestyle and mine and every scorpion out there? Although I still end up reading them….

  2. MJ Williams / Aug 22 2008 11:37 am

    ANd form another Scorpio- check out the london paper horoscopes: they always tell me what I want to hear.
    And I believe the human operating under the Russell Grant brand was replaced with a database several years ago – his paragraph structure seems to suggest as much.

    PS: good luck with Unchained!

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