5 things I won’t miss about the internet

Following my post a couple of days ago about how crap the internet used to be, here’s a post about how crap it actually is now. In years to come, we’ll look back at our current crapness and laugh about how we used to put up with it. And how we actually used to think it was good. In the same way as many people thought ‘The Young Ones’ was good when it hit our screens in the 80s and when they see it now they’re slightly surprised at how shit it actually was and can’t believe they used to find it funny.

So these are things that I’m looking forward to going the way of the dial-up modem:

1. Banners
   It’s no secret that I don’t like banners. And, in the same way that pop-up blockers became popular, ad blocking plug-ins are already a hit for web browsers. I won’t be sorry to see those skinny branded rectangles disappear from our screens. However, I unfortunately know that wherever there’s an audience, there’s a client willing to pay money to shout their message at them. The truth is that if banners disappear they’ll be replaced by something even more intrusive and offensive. But just let me fantasise for a second.
2. Web 2.0
   Oooh! Shiny glass buttons that look as if they’ve fallen out of OSX. Made up words with too few vowels for URLs. Unnecessary use of community. Like the dotcom bust, I’m looking forward to the web 2.0 thing being a thing of the past. However, I shudder to think what web.3.0 will be like.
3. Facebook zombies
   I never understood this one. It’s the digital equivalent of shell suits and bling to me. All this crap has succeeded in putting me off Facebook. Every time I logged on I was inundated with zombies, pirates and invited to discover which Jedi I was. Not my scene, thanks.
4. Second Life
   I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. I might think differently about it if I was a some kind of perverted, social misfit with terminal halitosis, a good broadband connection and too much time on my hands.
5. Passwords
   There’s got to be a better way of making sites secure. It actually makes me feel less secure because if anyone got access to the one password I use for just about everything, they’d be able to seriously bugger up my life.

What have I missed? Tell me what you’d like to see the back of.

5 things I don’t miss about the internet

Once upon a time, the internet used to suck. We didn’t really know how badly it sucked because we had nothing to compare it with. It was like eating Pot Noodle without ever having tasted a King Prawn Rogan Josh with pilau rice, saag aloo and a keema naan.

So here are the top 5 things I hated about the internet back in dial-up days.

1. Splash Pages
   Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. Introducing a site with a Flash animation always sucked. I couldn’t believe it when the American office of my last agency revamped their website with a Flash intro backed with pseudo-African music. Ugh! And that was last summer!
2. Flashing Text
   I’m so glad I wasn’t epileptic in the 90s. HTML used to have the tag <BLINK> that was grossly overused. But that’s because back then most sites were created by tasteless geeks rather than arty-farty designers. Thank goodness <BLINK> is no longer supported by modern browsers. Hallelujah!
3. Porno pop-ups
   What a nightmare. You’d be doing some ‘research’ on the dark underbelly of the internet when you heard someone approaching. You went to close the window and a pop-up appeared. And then another. And another. And another. And before you knew it, your monitor was filled with porno pop-ups. And there was so much happening on the screen that your computer couldn’t cope and ground to a halt, rendering it impossible to close all the windows in time. That’s what the reset button was invented for.
4. Bestiality emails
   Before netiquet and corporate crack-downs, the office ‘lads’ used to send images of men ‘enjoying’ goats, girls ‘having fun with’ dogs, grannies ‘pleasing’ horses. Your inbox was a minefield that you couldn’t open before breakfast. Thank goodness those days are over and we’re all enlightened enough to enjoy ‘two girls, one cup’ without forcing it on our unsuspecting colleagues.
5. Forums and chatrooms
   I know they’re still around but only the hard-liners seem to use them any more. I suppose, to be honest, what I’m glad about is that we don’t have right-wing fundamentalist scaremongers preaching about their evils any more. Praise be!